opening the vent

A friend of mine recently asked me, “How many kids do you plan on having?” It’s a simple question which should produce a simple answer. But somehow for me it’s just not that simple. I would love to be able to offer a quick response by saying, “Just two…or maybe four. We’ll see.” However, I can’t let those words slip easily from my lips.

What I know is that I want at least two children and with a lot of my friends recently becoming pregnant for the second time around I am feeling a little baby fever. But I know that my body is not ready again yet and emotionally I’m not ready either. I admit it; I still feel anxiety towards the thought of being labeled a “high risk” pregnancy. Those are not comforting words to someone who would have pregnancy hormones searing through her veins.

But these aren’t the main reasons for my feeling a little irritated today. My thoughts wouldn’t allow me much sleep last night as I lay in bed pondering the simple question I was asked. As someone who cares about the wellbeing of her body, my answer should be, “Just two.” I had a caesarian birth that was totally out of my control and even though I’m opposed to the fact that these surgeries are scarily on the rise, I know in my head and my heart that mine was one of those few necessary surgeries.

My surgery was not taking the easy way out like some mothers opt to. I was eight centimeters dilated when I showed up at the hospital, just two more and I would have had to push. I lost too much water for the doctor to even attempt to safely rotate Ava out of her Breech position. I was in preterm labor and Ava’s health was at risk, she had to be delivered fast. I understand all of this and I accept it. The entire situation was completely out of my hands and I’m okay with that.

What I’m not okay with is the fact that I’m going to be forced to have the rest of my births via C-section (as I have vented previously here). In the best interest of the mother, one cannot have too many of these surgeries because further down the line the scar tissue can create many uterine problems which sometimes leads to a hysterectomy. A C-section is a major surgery as well which can create many complications for a mother and her baby all on its own. It’s not simply the routine in-and-out procedure that a lot of people make it out to be.

I guess what I am angry about the most is the fact that the answer to such a simple question is such a complex decision for me. The decision lies in the choice to be selfish and take the best care of my physical health or to give that power up for the children I once wanted. It feels like someone has made the decision for me. I honestly never wanted more than two, maybe three children. But now that I know there really can be no “oops” babies like the five my parents birthed, it just feels so unfair and like the decision has been made for me.