thoughts of fear

I hate to admit it but I am absolutely terrified to get pregnant again. I thought these feelings would dissapate a bit after some time passed but they are still here even more so than ever. If I become pregnant again I am at high risk for delivering another premature baby and I'm not sure that is something I want.

I hate the fact that Ava came so early and how much her tiny body was put through. I hated that she had to rely on a machine to keep her breathing and alive. No baby should enter this world that way and I would really hate to do that to another child. I'm not sure if I could endure it all again.

It's really sad that I feel this way because I absolutely love being a mom and I was the happiest pregnant woman I know. I loved being pregnant and not many people can say that. I had those happy hormones flowing through my body like crazy and I adored the little baby that was growing inside me even though I hadn't even met her. I'm not sure if I'll ever get to experience that again.

I've been reading alot lately not only about my being a high risk pregnancy in the future but also of delivering another baby after a cesarian birth. I hated having to have the surgery to deliver Ava and everything about her birth was completely out of my control. I didn't get to experience the "joys of birth" that some women never want to experience, but I truly did. And sadly, I'll never get to experience that because no hospital in New Jersey and in most of the country will deliver a baby vaginally after the mother has had a previous c-section. There is too much risk of the scar tearing open resulting in death to the unborn child.

This means I have to have the surgery again, the surgery that I never want to have to endure again! It is also the surgery that may have played a major role in Ava's RDS. Babies that are delivered via c-section are at higher risk for lung complications due to the fact that they don't pass through the birth canal which compresses their lungs and forces all of the liquid out.

We'll still never know but I really do feel that if Ava was delivered naturally (which sadly wasn't an option), she would have been a much healthier preemie. But there's still no way to prove what really contributed to her conditions or why she five weeks too soon. I hate not knowing, it just eats me up inside.

These feelings I have led me to consider adoption. I have never been opposed to adopting a child because my mother was adopted and is a much better and loving person because of it. I suppose if I can't get over this fear then I will end up adopting a child who I hope I can love as much as I love Ava. I do want more babies and if I do decide to give it another shot I am still going to wait at least five years until Ava is old enough in the case that we do deliver early again. Hopefully by then I will be a little more at ease and I can get through the pregnancy on bed rest and with little stress. But we still may wind up adopting... only time will tell!