Lonely Day

It's still a little lonely at home without Ava. It's really quiet and I am constantly feeling like there's more I should be doing than just sitting and healing. I want to visit Ava and sit with her all day and watch her sleep but I feel like I'll be in the way at the NICU. I know that is not the case but it still feels that way. I'm trying to limit my visits to only 2 times a day because I'm really not supposed to be walking up and down the stairs and quite frankly, it still really hurts just to get around, ESPECIALLY to get in and out of a car. It's also hard to just sit around waiting though...waiting for Ava to get better, waiting for more progress, waiting to really feel like her parent, her primary caregiver.

I also feel like this is really wearing Mel down. Not only does he have to wait on me since I'm not supposed to be on my feet, he has to drive me around since I'm not allowed to drive and he has to worry about two people, the baby I whereas I'm really only worrying about Ava. I still suppose it's a good thing that I have time to recover. I wasn't ready for a C-section so I wasn't prepared for the aftermath and the healing process. I'm healing well though and I'm thankful for everyone who is concerned with my health as well. It's nice to be asked how I am doing and not just the baby.

But now it is time to get back to pumping breastmilk, not nursing. This is an act that just feels so unnatural because there is no baby involved. It's begining to feel like a chore but I know it's for the best. I know that once Ava can start taking a bottle that she will need all the milk and nutrition she can get. It seems as though pumping really is the only thing I can do for her at the moment.